Family, Relationships
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Writer Rhiannon Lucy Cosslett has called grandparents the invisible glue that holds together broken childcare systems. And she made a good point: one study found that 85% of UK grandparents offer some kind of support when it comes to looking after grandchildren. And so did Mumsnet user LadySmurf. So you can imagine her disappointment when she stepped up to look after her two grandkids and got into such a bad fight with one, that now, a month later, he still isn’t talking to her. Unable to confidently determine the best way to proceed, she told her story online and asked outsiders to share their opinions on the situation.
Image credits: Prostock-studio / Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: amenic181 / Envato (not the actual photo)
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Image credits: LadySmurf
Susan Stiffelman, who is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist, says it isn’t okay for kids to treat their grandparents with disrespect, and it’s unhealthy for them to get away with it.
To address the problem, Stiffelman offers a three-step approach:
- Synch everyone up with your expectations, but be flexible. Parents, grandparents, and kids should have a conversation where they can clearly outline — perhaps even on paper — the general expectations for everything from homework to bedtime when grandma and grandpa are in charge. They should also discuss the fact that parents expect the kids to cooperate with their grandparents and do what they’re asked without making a big fuss, even if the grandparents might do things a little differently than they do.
- Parents should make sure that the grandparents know they have permission to be more assertive with their children. Sometimes grandparents are too soft on their grandkids because they adore them so much and want to be adored back. They can, indeed, be softer when the parents are around and in command, but in their absence, grandparents are entitled to maintain a sense of authority. Stiffelman highlights that kids need to know who is in charge.
- Grandparents have a special relationship with their grandchildren. They love to indulge, spoil, and let them get away with things that their parents don’t. And Stiffelman believes there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s part of family fun. But because of that, parents should make a conscious effort to help grandparents come up with ways to step into a more authoritative role with their children.
“Children do best when they are raised in a tribe, with healthy attachments to a number of caring adults,” the psychotherapist adds. “But it’s important that [grandparents are reminded] that it’s in their grandchildren’s best interest to treat people well — including close family.”
People have had a lot of reactions to the lady’s story
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Mindaugas Balčiauskas
Author, BoredPanda staff
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I'm a visual editor at Bored Panda. I kickstart my day with a mug of coffee bigger than my head, ready to tackle Photoshop. I navigate through the digital jungle with finesse, fueled by bamboo breaks and caffeine kicks. When the workday winds down, you might catch me devouring bamboo snacks while binging on the latest TV show, gaming or I could be out in nature, soaking up the tranquility and communing with my inner panda.
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Mindaugas Balčiauskas
Author, BoredPanda staff
Read more »
I'm a visual editor at Bored Panda. I kickstart my day with a mug of coffee bigger than my head, ready to tackle Photoshop. I navigate through the digital jungle with finesse, fueled by bamboo breaks and caffeine kicks. When the workday winds down, you might catch me devouring bamboo snacks while binging on the latest TV show, gaming or I could be out in nature, soaking up the tranquility and communing with my inner panda.
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Rokas Laurinavičius
Writer, BoredPanda staff
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Rokas is a writer at Bored Panda with a BA in Communication. After working for a sculptor, he fell in love with visual storytelling and enjoys covering everything from TV shows (any Sopranos fans out there?) to photography. Throughout his years in Bored Panda, over 300 million people have read the posts he's written, which is probably more than he could count to.
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Rokas Laurinavičius
Writer, BoredPanda staff
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Rokas is a writer at Bored Panda with a BA in Communication. After working for a sculptor, he fell in love with visual storytelling and enjoys covering everything from TV shows (any Sopranos fans out there?) to photography. Throughout his years in Bored Panda, over 300 million people have read the posts he's written, which is probably more than he could count to.
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What do you think?
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Trundle Trundle Community Member Follow
The dirtbag defending the person assaulting their grandmother has to be the kid on a burner account.
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Paul C 16 hours ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017
Or at least someone who thinks hitting old ladies in acceptable.
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FluffyDreg FluffyDreg Community Member Follow
"A slap isnt a defense" in what world does that logic apply???She was hit, hitting back is a very basic response to it. Not the best and most mature, but a very normal, human, violent or not. Fight flight or freeze. Without training doing one of those in response to a threat. I don't think grandma has taken any kind of self defense classes to help control that biochemical response. Her brain chose fight in response to being assaulted. Anyone saying she's violent for that is insane.
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Renegade Renegade Community Member Follow
Exactly. It's the fight response. It's my something you can control. Also, need to add the fawn response in there now too.
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Con O Cuinn Con O Cuinn Community Member Follow
I'm not saying it's right, but if I had punched my granny my da would have kicked the absolute s**t out of me. He never laid a finger on me, but this would have definitely triggered it.
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Rae Mo Rae Mo Community Member Follow
Most parents who have healthy relationships with their own parents would have kicked the absolute sh*t out their kid (teenager at that). The grandmother smacking the sh*t out of him was the best response. He obviously isn't being disciplined and wasn't expecting to get smacked. I personally wouldn't be foolin with the "teenager" especially saying he hates me. And would have told him I hate his a$$ right back and surely not buying a gift!
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Trundle Trundle Community Member Follow
The dirtbag defending the person assaulting their grandmother has to be the kid on a burner account.
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74points
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reply
Paul C Paul C Community Member Follow
Or at least someone who thinks hitting old ladies in acceptable.
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FluffyDreg FluffyDreg Community Member Follow
"A slap isnt a defense" in what world does that logic apply???She was hit, hitting back is a very basic response to it. Not the best and most mature, but a very normal, human, violent or not. Fight flight or freeze. Without training doing one of those in response to a threat. I don't think grandma has taken any kind of self defense classes to help control that biochemical response. Her brain chose fight in response to being assaulted. Anyone saying she's violent for that is insane.
Vote comment up
68points
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Renegade Renegade Community Member Follow
Exactly. It's the fight response. It's my something you can control. Also, need to add the fawn response in there now too.
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1point
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reply
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Con O Cuinn Con O Cuinn Community Member Follow
I'm not saying it's right, but if I had punched my granny my da would have kicked the absolute s**t out of me. He never laid a finger on me, but this would have definitely triggered it.
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40points
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reply
Rae Mo Rae Mo Community Member Follow
Most parents who have healthy relationships with their own parents would have kicked the absolute sh*t out their kid (teenager at that). The grandmother smacking the sh*t out of him was the best response. He obviously isn't being disciplined and wasn't expecting to get smacked. I personally wouldn't be foolin with the "teenager" especially saying he hates me. And would have told him I hate his a$$ right back and surely not buying a gift!
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14points
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